Our Sanctuary

Fel will be back in just 2 days! YAY!

My highlight of the day each time I walk into the office. Why when I walk into the office? Just because time practically flies when I'm at work. We haven't been really conversing on the phone these few days mainly because he's been busy doing last minute shopping and what not. I got up at 2.30am again this morning so I decided to ring him, spoke for about 15mins and I gladly went back to bed. Sometimes its strange how I always almost feel better whenever I speak to him.

Thursday is also my dad's birthday and my mom has planned a dinner with relos, told Fel about it and at first he wasn't very pleased because he said "Why does it have to be on the day I get back??" and went on to say "How are we gonna spend time together" Oh well it IS my dad's birthday so we will attend the dinner besides we have the whole weekend and the whole night after that to talk ourselves silly. Wonder what I should get for my dad though probably just a card, he's not one that fancies extravagent presents he only ever wants what he needs. Fel is getting him a jacket so I'll prolly pitch into that together with a $50 note in a card? Shall see what happens. My money is slowly flying out the door with all my expenses.

Come March I've got my private insurance premium to pay and that is gonna cost me roughly $650 or so. I don't even want to look at my mobile bill, not to mention I need to get myself to the dentist as my wisdom tooth is really bugging me. I think it cost $500 just to pull out ONE tooth and you would need to pull out TWO at one go so that's gonna cost me a grand! YIKESSSS....!! Its only the beginning of the month and already I need more money!

By the way Valentines Day is just next week! Those of you in Sydney do come over to Double Bay as we are having a lucky draw. Spend $25 and above at any store and you will be in a running for a romantic getaway for 2 during the Valentines weekend, complete with champagne, chocolate dipped strawberries, valet parking and full buffet/in room breakfast. Sounds good ei? Sadly I can't participate as I organized it! But maybe I should get Fel to enter...haha...nah thats cheating. Apparently the barrell downstairs have had quite a number of entries. Am happy that it is working out well!

48 more hours....it isn't very long right?

::: posted by Sass O at Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Monday, February 02, 2004 :::

Good Morning everyone and welcome to a brand new week in February! The weekend was just fine for me had dinner with my immediate family on Saturday and on Sunday with my cousin and baby Audrey too. Sunday saw me staying home, reading, relaxing and chatting with my besties online. After dinner on Saturday with my family I have come to realize how frustrated I am with my brother. It has been a constant problem but it was only then and after much thought that night that I realized my brother has not matured since he was 12 years old.

My parents and I were having this casual conversation about jewellery. I wanted to change my pendant as I have been wearing it for the past few months and asked my mom which was at home and which was in the safe. My dad asked why I said Its getting boring wearing the same old one! He laughed cause he knew I did not mean that fully so he snickered and said to my mom she can get bored with jewellery what more diamonds! My mom in turn laughed too cause after all it was a light hearted casual conversation. What part did my brother play in this? He had to comment in his awful sounding voice and tone not to mention with that expression on his face whilst stuffing himself with food, he said "You only know how to spend money but never save, who do you think we are, we aren't rich etc etc" And so went on his babble and nonsense. He even commented that the only thing I knew how to do was spend money, not value money and not know how to save. I was furious because who was he to comment on MY hard earned money and what does he know about even earning money?

I knew my parents were on my side because lately my brother has been horribly commentative, snappy and more often than not, WRONG. I almost snapped at him but my mom gave me the signal to quiet down since we were after all having a family dinner. Once I dropped them off and got home I got thinking...Why does my brother have to be that way? Of course I was fuming by his comments, he also mentioned that I do not do charity and attacked me by saying I only ever want to donate to The Salvation Army and nothing else. Sometimes I do not understand my brother, he does not want to know how the world works. All he thinks of is his own believes and thinking that the entire world is just honest and straight.

Is he telling me that I should donate to every single person or organization who comes up to me? I think I have lived long enough to know that there are more cons around than we know. I wanted to explain to him my choice of charitable organisation but I knew it would be futile, to a certain extent I have given up. I'd rather he fall and learn lessons the hard way than to explain ANYTHING to him because I know no matter how hard I try he will end up attacking me. Only reason why I choose The Salvation Army is because they are internationally recognized and they are not dodgy. When they come round collecting donations they are in uniform and they have a badge. It is very well known that alot of other charities like these are shams, I want to help but I do not want my money going to the wrong people. Also I have financially adopted a child from China under the World Vision program. Does my brother understand or know all these? NO...he's too caught up in his own world, refusing to understand other people's views.

I got really mad basically because he stated that I do not know how to handle my money. Here's what I do and I wonder...am I that bad with my money? My parents havent even complained one bit! Every month I hand my parents money, have a savings account set up where money is automatically transferred into, pay my own bills AND to top if off hand my brother monthly allowance! WHAT NERVE does he have to say I do not know how to handle money? I mentioned to Fel how frustrated I was with him and Fel told me don't worry you know how immature he is. HOW TRUE.

He is not even self efficient. He relies on my mother for every single thing, here's part of it. My mom has to yell at him to get up and yell at him to sleep. Then she'll nag him till he showers and eats. Sometimes he'll yell from the bathroom for my mom to get him clothes because he forgot to bring them in. I mean what kind of an attitude is that for someone who will be starting uni this year? I wonder if he actually realizes that he is only digging his own grave by acting this way. Since I have been driving to work with my Dad every morning he has been telling me how worried he is of my brother. He does not have any friends, does not try at all to keep in touch with the friends from high school here or back in Malaysia, refuses to listen to advises, his life revolves around the computer, tv, xbox or ps2 (not to metion Xbox and Ps2 are Fel's!) There are so many more to list but I shall not go into detail.

What gets to me is that he dares to attack and comment on my way of life when he has not tried to make himself any better. Shouldn't I give myself the luxury I choose to when I have worked hard to graduate, worked hard to get my first job and last but not least worked hard to land myself the job I have now. I am glad and proud of who I have turned out to be, I thank my parents for giving me the guidance and financial needs but I also know that though they placed that path before me it is entirely up to me to make it work. In short I am exceptionally furious and frustrated at my brother for commenting on who I am when he himself is not even half of who I am. Since I was 16 I have lived on my own, learnt to cook, learnt to clean and was responsible for managing time between uni, my social life and work. Something he has utterly zero ability in. I know my parents are glad that I learnt to be self efficient at a young age, it came as a surprise to both myself and my parents considering I had a maid my entire life. I admit that I have put my parents through alot of heartache but every teenager does, it is just a matter of growing out of it and learning but my brother is adamant on holding onto his own believes that more often than not are not applicable to daily life. My dad even said that my brother only knows how to talk and plan but nothing is ever in action.

He probably says that I am materialistic but I have my own principle. If one does not yearn for a better life monetarily or spiritually one would not have the courage to succeed. Why? Here's my thinking and I shall use examples from my own life. I have a great weakness for designer bags however I have NEVER bought them on credit, I always save enough to buy them. Though bags are my weakness I see them as mini goals. Once I am able to purchase the bag I feel contented because it is fully mine, I have worked hard for it and I did not need to put it on credit. I use the same philisophy in life, set mini goals in order to better yourself, once they are achieved it makes you happier and gives you more confidence in your next goal. I explained this to my brother but he did not understand what I meant, all he said was money is not everything happiness is. Call him naive or call me materialistic but I believe that without money in our community contentment will not always be achieved. How did I become who I am today? Thanks to my parents who worked hard so that they would be able to fund me through private schools and pay for Uni fees. Now tell me....isn't money important as well? If life were so simple and we lived on just happiness I guess there wouldn't be wars, starving children and what not.

Sigh...I wonder when he will grow up because it is too slow and worrying my parents. My dad commented that if he carries on this way he will only be like my cousin. That of course is another story but my cousin was exactly like my brother before and now that he is in his 30s I do not see much difference only that he's got a wife and kid.

Ugh! It is so infuriating! Tell me...am I wrong here?

P/S :- Fel and I are thinking of signing up for Mandarin Classes! Fel has no knowledge what-so-ever and though I have learnt for a while but years of not speaking or writing have left me with almost no knowledge too!

::: posted by Sass O at Monday, February 02, 2004

Friday, January 30, 2004 :::

Feel like bludging now since its starting to pour outside and nice and cosy in the office. I yearn for my bed and a book! Got this from Grace's site, read it a while back but thought I'd just do this now.

FIRSTS
First best friend : Marcia Lee when I was 5!
First date : Hhmm honestly I can't really remember but I think it was 1996
First job: 2001 as a retail assistant down at Chinatown
First kiss: 1998
First car: Don't have a car since I just got my licence a month ago!
First break-up : Hahahah funny...1994
First screen name : tRuEloVe
First self purchased album : I really can't remember.
First funeral : My paternal grandmother
First pets : Ricky I can't remember which dog breed.
First piercing : When I was 3 years old
First credit card : National Mastercard that I applied on my own and HSBC Visa from Dad.
First true love : Fel of course but I thought I was in love many times! First person I remember loving though was in 1998, I call him the one from New York...hahaha.
First enemy : Don't believe I have one
First big trip : When I was a month old flying to HK! :P
First play/musical/performance : When I was abt 5 I can't remember what, I didn't go to Kindie though.
First musician you remember hearing in your house : Myself! haha....I used to practice the piano for an hour a day when I was 6.

LASTS
Last cigar : Tricia's birthday in Nov 03.
Last kiss : 29 Dec 2003 when Fel and I kissed before he boarded the plane.
Last good cry : I think it was early 2002?
Last library book checked out : Around May-June 2003
Last movie seen : I always can't remember movies!
Last beverage drank : H20
Last food consumed : Mini drumsticks and pasta over at the staff canteen
Last book read: Mitch Albom - The Five People You Meet in Heaven, finished that in just 2 hours! I wanted MOREEE...Currently reading Billie Elts or something can't remember the title, just proves how good the book is ei?
Last cuss word uttered: Damnit! I'm very good when I'm at work...:P
Last crush : I'm not a kid!
Last phone call : To Fel just half an hour ago
Last tv show watched : Erm would Today Tonight on Channel 9 count?
Last cd played : L'ar En Ciel in the car couple of days ago...I'm a radio person
Last item bought : Batteries at Woolies 2 days ago
Last annoyance : Callers who don't seem to understand what DAY-OFF mean...they kept asking for my boss's mobile but its his day off!
Last disappointment : Fel not being able to come back earlier.
Last soda drank : Hhhmmm it has been a while! So I don't know
Last ice cream eaten : Magnum but that was NYE!
Last time wanting to die : Never wished to die and still dont!
Last time scolded : a VERY VERY long while ago possibly even 6 years ago?
Last shoes worn: Strappy heels
Last downloaded: Silverchair
Last thing written: This thing
Last key used: Car keys
Last words spoken: Bye!
Last sleep: This morning
Last IM: IM? as in that chat thing...hhmmm ponders
Last weird encounter: Could my dog jumping off the bed to pass motion count?
Last time amused: Doing this quiz since the questions amuses me.
Last time resentful: possibly last week?
Last lipstick used: Don't wear lipstick I use lipgloss and I love Bobbi Brown and MAC.
Last shirt worn: The one I wore to bed.
Last time dancing: Hhmm...would learning how to do the Melb shuffle count? That was in 2003! YIKES! But...I was a dancer before did ballet for more than 15 years of my life!

::: posted by Sass O at Friday, January 30, 2004

Hhmmm was just looking at my blog and my previous entry was not there. Wonder what happened? Hope this one shows up together with the other.

Decided to sleep in today since its a Friday, only got up at 7am with the dogs pouncing over me, they were hungry! Talking about the dogs, Keigo did the most disgusting thing yesterday! You see my sneaky dogs always sleep on their own beds until they realize that I'm dead asleep they would then jump onto the bed. So at 3am I heard one of them jump off suddenly and lo-and behold he had diarrhoea! It did not help that he made farting noises as he passed his faeces but it was all icky and wet! I could've screamed if I wasn't half asleep. Once he was done he ran out the door (I had opened it cause the stench was unbearable) Also the entire house is carpeted!

So there I was at 3am SHARP airing the damn room and trying to clear up the mess. Needless to say I was completely grossed out. Keigo did not dare come near me but after a while he decided that the coast was clear since I did not give him a good smacking. There's still a stain and I wonder if it would go off. This is the second time he has done it, the first was at the entrance that has marble tiling so that was much quicker to clean up. But the CARPET! not to mention in the room. If Fel had been there I would've asked him to clean it up instead...hihihihihi....

While waiting for the room to air I rang Fel who was half asleep. About 10 minutes later he called and said he had the scare of his life. He found two cockroaches running around his bathroom (he HATES them). Not having any repellent handy he had to smack them dead and flush it down. He called me to complain about the cockroaches and stressed many times that he hated them, we hung up and I tried to sleep again. By then he was wide awake and decided to go for a smoke. As he opened his balcony door the alarm went off, his parents weren't home so he had to run to wake the maids up so that they could unlock the kitchen door and disarm the alarm. Once that was all done he called me AGAIN to tell me what happened. I wonder what time he finally fell asleep again after all the drama. It was about 11pm his time.

So, though I had such a routine but busy day, the night ended with way too much drama!

::: posted by Sass O at Friday, January 30, 2004

Thursday, January 29, 2004 :::

Another day of routine work. Was having this conversation with Fel just yesterday and was wondering if anyone else feels the same as I do. Since I have started work roughly 7 months or so ago my life have become exceptionally routine. The difference with my working experience from last year and this year is that I love my job now and before I only did it to pass time and to earn spending money.

I get up at 6.30am every morning, shower, blow dry and style my hair, apply makeup, feed the dogs, have brekkie and drive to work. I park at the same spot everyday and I roughly get in between 8.00-8.15 each morning. I then proceed by checking voicemails, printing out the hotel logs reading them, checking my emails, read blogs and then blog at my own site. After that I go through yesterday's work to see if there's any loose ends to tie up, bits and pieces will then come up during the day. I leave for lunch at 1.00pm and get back here between 1.30-1.45 depending on how quick I eat or the errands I need to run. The afternoon always fly by quickly and at 5.30 I finish up everything that I can followed by packing up and tidying my desk. I leave between 5.45-6.00 and arrive home at 6.30pm the latest. Have dinner around 7.00 or maybe later if I eat out, shower at about 9.30 and by 10.00 I will be ready for bed. I read and/or speak to Fel for a least 15 minutes. Then I fall asleep and repeat the whole thing again!

Isn't it strange that once we start working we will do this for life? Though it may vary from time to time but in the end it is all about routine. I'm not bored but rather I'm just wondering why and how we have all decided to follow a routine? Gone were the days at Uni where I was able to bludge and sleep-in, but then again I never really appreciated weekends. I praise Fridays now as it would mean not having to sleep by a specific time and having the ability to laze around, not to mention spending time with the dogs (for now that is). But then again Weekends HAVE also gotten into a routine. Friday's I shower the dogs and on Saturday/Sunday I vacuum the house and clean up bits and pieces.

Strange isn't it? Why do we call it routine when in actual fact it has all the charecteristics of it being a habit? Does
ROUTINE = I don't really like it but I HAVE to do it?
HABIT = I LOVE doing it.

Will my job ever be a habit then? Something to think about isn't it? Or is Routine synonymous with Habit? Hhmmm.....

::: posted by Sass O at Thursday, January 29, 2004

Wednesday, January 28, 2004 :::

I have been so busy lately that the day has gone by without me realizing it. It's scary isn't it? Tomorrow's Thursday and before we know it the weekend will be here marking the end of January! To those who are still holidaying "YES ITS THE END OF JANUARY!" Scary isn't it when Christmas felt like yesterday. Is it just me or is time going by too quickly? 2003 was a flash and now January 2004 has just gone by. A friend once told me once you turn 21 time goes by so quick you won't believe it. How true....

Was reading the papers about the Bird Flu. It's horrible isn't it? Makes you wonder what mankind has been doing. Not long ago we had the Mad Cow Disease, in 2003 we had SARS and now this. Sometimes I believe it is punishment to all the cruel and deadly things men come up with. We shouldn't all be punished for it because in the end its those very innocent one that die. I reminded Fel to try not to take any chicken over in Jakarta, hope he will not give in to temptation. Its funny isn't it how chicken is our daily staple and now we can't even eat it without thinking twice.

Makes you wonder what this world has become...I'm off to pack now. Apparently its "Everyone's Birthday" today according to Chinese believes. I don't really understand what that means possibly when mankind was created? Parents have asked for dinner and even asked me to pay for it! I'm going to be so broke...I give my parents money each month, I even hand my brother allowance since I don't pay for lodging or even food when I eat in. Its only fair?

I'm off....have a good night ahead....=)

::: posted by Sass O at Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Have you ever tried waking up startled every night for a month? I have been for the past few weeks that Fel hasn't been around. It's not always the same time they normally vary and I get up either once or twice throughout the night. Yesternight was no different, I got up at 1.30am and quickly reached for my mobile. I was yearning for Fel wanted to speak to him wanted him to hug me but all that would only happen in a week.

I think I upset him yesterday by questioning our decision. I asked him how he could be so sure and in return he asked why I had so many doubts. That is a question I can't answer to. I explained to him that I could see us together and I know that we make a great couple what scares me most is the next 4 years, I'm terrified of it. I have so many questions running through my head but mainly would we be able to cope with everything in the next 4 years? It's a hurdle that would eventually allow us to see our relationship from a different angle. I want to be with him but I am terrified that we would not be. Am I making any sense?

Fel...I'm sorry if I upset you yesterday, really didn't mean to! But at least now you understand that I was not doubting our relationship nor was I hesitant about being with you. Rather, I am petrified that we won't be together.

On a lighter note, Fel will be back in a week! I can't wait but sad thing is though he arrives at 11am I will only get to meet him once I get off work! How I wish I could take the day off and spend it all with him but we've got the weekend to laze about and the following its Valentine's! I'm quivering in excitement! But...I have to get back to work. Yesterday I worked right through non-stop and I didn't even realize it was 5.30pm. Work load is starting to pile up, traffic is getting back to normal. No more holidays! Work is calling and my in-tray is piling....I'll be back with hopefully better entries than having them with such limited vocabulary such as "terrified" "doubts" "scared" "petrified" "afraid".

P/S: Did you know I used to like reading the dictionary? It amazes me how many words there are and how many are unused! But then again sometimes there's no point in using big words they are not very "readable".

::: posted by Sass O at Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Tuesday, January 27, 2004 :::

How would you know who you want to spend the rest of your life with? Reality has hit me and the M word is starting to scare me. Fel said he knows that he wants to be with me and will eventually want to get married in about 4 years. I know I love him dearly but I am just afraid. How do you tell if it is right or wrong? It scares me to take the next big step but then again I will have to take that step sooner or later. It's all so confusing.....

Here's what I keep telling myself. Normally I would be the one who plans far ahead but this time around it is Fel who is doing so. He asked why I am not thinking far and I simply answered, "Because I don't know for sure if you will marry me in 4 years." He replied by asking why and telling me he was sure, but there's something deep inside telling me that it could very well turn the other way and I would be left with nothing. Am I trying to protect myself from hurt? Is this all to be blamed on awful ex? There's white and there's black but I always ALWAYS think of the grey in between.

The White = We are madly in love and KNOW for SURE where we stand in each others lives.
The Black = ANYTHING can happen and I always say to myself you can never fully trust men.
The Grey = Do we actually know what we are doing?

So many questions with no answers...I need help.....Sometimes I just wish he'd ask me to marry him and get it over with but thats cheating and completely unplanned which I could not possibly forsee us doing.

::: posted by Sass O at Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Monday, January 26, 2004 :::

Its the long weekend and I don't really have any plans. Had a busy weekend with my relos who are leaving for Malaysia today. It was good fun and nice to actually meet up with relos that I did not know existed. Saturdya saw us in Chinatown having yam-cha lunch followed by a walk of it. Headed back to the apartment and the little ones played PS while the older ones went over to Fox Studios. Did not join them as I really do not think there's much to do over at Fox Studios. Been there numerous times and its just a normal shopping strip. Came back here to Fel's place where Isaac played with Toshi and Kayla was exceptionally afraid of dogs! Poor thing yelling her lungs out. Once they left my aunt, cousins and niece came over. We had dinner at the apartment and I played with Audrey for a bit. I must say she's one funny kid. She's adorable and all but I think she should start learning more. I've got photos but as always I'm just too lazy to resize and load them!

I'm in a cleaning mood today and well I'll be scrubbing the whole house soon. I want to do something with the backyard but just looking at it makes me feel tired. Its not easy cleaning this place on my own! I DEMAND A MAID! Lately I've been so lazy that I simply vacuum everything. Insted of sweeping I just vacuum and mop with really hot water. Is that cheating? As long as the place is clean I don't really give a rats ass!

Don't really feel like blogging today as you can see from the style of writing but I figured I owe it to my so-called "readers". I know I have readers from the counter that I have placed but a whole lot of them are silent! Could my readers please drop a name and say hi at least? Its strange knowing that people read my blog but not knowing who they are! I don't bite so say hi! I'm off to do the dirty task of cleaning....Toodles....

::: posted by Sass O at Monday, January 26, 2004